NLP and Boundaries

by

NLP Techniques to Set Boundaries

Boundaries are vital for our health and wellbeing.  After all – if we allow too many people to walk all over us, then we will be depleted of our energy, time and our own autonomy.   And conversely if we don’t allow anyone to get close to us (because of our boundaries being too rigid) then we miss out on the most vital and health-giving human connectivity. 

So – it’s important to have just the right level of boundary for each situation.  That could be summed up as healthy flexible boundaries, that we know we are in control of.

How can NLP help with setting boundaries?

NLP – helps us sort out a hierarchy of values.

Our values are essential when it comes to boundary setting.  After all, what we value from one situation may mean we are more willing to flex our boundaries to engage with it.  For example:   An elderly parent may ask you to visit them at the other end of the country.  Even though your work is demanding, and you are overwhelmed with deadlines, you realise you haven’t seen them for ages.  They are getting on.  Chances are you’ll agree to visit.     

On the other hand, an old college friend that you have not seen for years, asks for a similar visit. On this occasion you might put your work and time ahead of the hierarchy, and defer the visit.

It’s the same amount of time, but different values.

When we align boundaries to values it can make requests easier to manage. But even when you are clear on boundaries and values, it’s still important to communicate them.  Both internally (to yourself) and externally to the world. To do this we need to be aware of them.

A few more NLP techniques to support boundary creation and communication:

Bringing conscious awareness to the boundary/boundaries

Check in with your bodily felt sensations about boundaries. You can do this by sitting with a few questions, and just noticing what comes up for you.  Here are a few question options for you, but you can also use your own:

What’s it like:  if you are expected to work 14 days in a row, without a day off? 

  • How does it feel?
  • Where can you feel this in your body?   Where else?  
  • If you had to put a colour to the feeling what would it be?
  • Give a scale from 1-10 to the feeling?

What’s it like:  if you ask for something you really need, but you are ignored?

  • How does it feel?
  • Where can you feel this in your body?   Where else?  
  • If you had to put a colour to the feeling what would it be?
  • Give a scale from 1-10 to the feeling?

What’s it like:  if someone keeps taking advantage of you?  Remember the last time this happened.   Ask yourself the questions:

  • How does it feel?
  • Where can you feel this in your body?   Where else?  
  • If you had to put a colour to the feeling what would it be?
  • Give a scale from 1-10 to the feeling?

Engage with the positive intent.

Having boundaries means that you are also freeing yourself up to say YES to the things that you want.  So, rather than notice what you don’t want – connect to what you DO want, and get really aware of them.

Notice if a boundary is being crossed that may undermine those things you want.   If this is the case, it doesn’t mean you have to use a hard “no” – but you can soften it, and add a conditional element “I will limit this so I work over for an extra 30 minutes”, or “I will walk up to one mile to meet you”

Be aware of linguistics.  It’s tempting to say “I will only work over for an extra 30 minutes” but that’s also down-playing the additional work you are doing. Remove the “only” – find something more robust.

Imagine no boundaries

Take a few moments to imagine that there were no boundaries in your life.   Everything blurs.  You bring work home, and you bring home to work.  You could be working on your accounts at 3am in the morning, or taking children to school at 2pm in the afternoon.  None of this is a good idea.

There are many different boundaries that we need to respect – from other people, cultural, time, physical, etc.

And yet, it seems we are much happier or amenable to put our own boundaries to one side, whilst still respecting others’ boundaries. And when we consider this, we realise that it’s just not going to work if everyone had zero boundaries.